Capping a tour de force of the Iowa Caucus Michele Bachmann outdid all competitors when she competed in and won the Salami Swallowing contest at the Iowa State Fair. A previously unknown talent of hers, Michele says she is a “salami swallower from way back”. Michele eagerly two fisted the dry shriveled monstrosity and made it disappear in a salami swallowing feat not previously seen at the state fair. Salami swallowing comes naturally to Michele Bachman. It’s a talent that, she says, “you either have or you don’t and I damn sure got it. For me salami swallowing is a God given gift.” Asked if this was the biggest salami she ever swallowed she replied, “no, I’ve swallowed salami much larger but that was fresh moist salami. The salami I swallowed in the contest was too dry and scratched my throat.”
Angry political rival Mitt Romney was at loss to compete and could only stand there dumbfounded. Applauding with a stupid smirk on his face he quipped, “oh yea Michele where have we seen that before? Should I put your phone number on the mens room wall?” A whisper campaign attributed to the Bachmann campaign emerged suggesting Romney knew more about salami swallowing in the mens room’s than he was willing to admit.
At a press conference to clear the air of rumors, innuendo, and mixed messages Bachmann explained her salami swallowing technique to a puzzled crowd of Tea Party members. “Salami swallowing is not so difficult”, she said, “Watch, I’ll demonstrate with this microphone.” Before she could make the microphone disappear a technical assistant rushed onstage to explain the dangers of swallowing a live wired mic.
Meanwhile, in an unmarked tent at the remote end of the state fair midway known to locals as the “freak show”, Ann Coulter dazzled NRA members with a private show of her lesser known talents. Not known as the submissive type she showed a side of herself no one seemed aware of. Kudos to you Ann. Now give Michele her salami back…on second thought…no don’t.